True Confidence

True Confidence

There is a spectrum of emotional expression that men operate within. On one extreme is conformity. This is the place where whatever someone else wants, the man says “Oh, sure, that’s okay.” He’ll sell out on his own desires, his commitments to his family, his whole life at times, in order to comply with what he believes someone else wants from him. The pleasure of serving others in this way is often short-lived, leaving the man with feelings of resentment or emptiness. At the apparent other extreme is aggression. When a man in this place disagrees with someone, he gets mad. His voice goes up and he hits hard with words or actions. His response is not usually well organized or deliberate, but more of a random storm of anger.

In between these two extremes is true assertiveness . In my mind, this is the balance point where we feel best and achieve the most satisfactory results. If I am assertive, this means that what I say (or think or feel) is just as important as what someone else expresses. I am not more important than someone else, nor am I less important. It’s fine if they disagree with me, and I have no intrinsic need to convert them to my way of thinking. We all experience all three types of reaction. How do we manage our response to best serve ourselves and others?

Here is how it works. There is a continuum that appears like this:

CONFORMING -- ASSERTIVE -- AGGRESSIVE
Now for the surprising part. While the conforming person seems totally opposite from the aggressive man, in fact, they are driven by the same emotion. Can you guess? They are both driven by fear. They are both afraid that they are not good enough. The conforming man expresses this by actions that directly show that he thinks others are more important than he is. The aggressive man expresses the same fear a bit more subversively. He delivers his wrath in order to persuade others that his way is the right way. He does this because if he can’t convince them, then he feels that he is wrong and not enough. He will fight to the death to get others to in effect say “You are right, and therefore, you are a worthwhile person.” Note that anger is not synonymous with aggression, nor is cooperation the same as conformity. If a man’s actions come from a place of wholeness in which he fully recognizes that his opinions, desires and needs are every bit as important as someone else’s (not more and not less), then he is acting from a place of assertiveness. In this place, one most often experiences a sense of strength and centeredness.

Assertiveness is what I envision that proverbial wise Indian chief to embody. He is filled with confidence and strength. Next time you are in a situation where you disagree with someone, ask yourself what it would look like for you to take the assertive position. No need to make the other person believe what you believe just for the sake of being right. Perhaps give it a try yourself and see what happens. I think you’ll be very pleasantly surprised by how good it feels.